More Funny Business

I invite you to click on over to Write to Done

where you’ll find my guest post about “How to Write Funny”.

Of course, it’s an impossible question because no one knows how!  Which makes it funny already.  And therein lies a lesson:

Funny is about charming the implausible into sounding somehow possible

I’m taking that lesson to heart as I craft a humorous speech for an upcoming contest.  My subject?  Shooting my mother.  Seriously.  She asked me.  “Shoot me, son, shoot me.”  Maybe she was joking, but I don’t think so.  She’s 98!  Can’t stand up without her walker.  She can hardly hear.  She can barely see the Golf Channel.

Shoot me, son, she said.

At the same time, she acts like she’s going to be the oldest living person on earth. I don’t get it.

This summer she bought a fan and paid extra for the extended warranty.  I’d say she was senile…if it wasn’t for the fact that she’s got all her marbles.  That’s why she knows how miserable she is.

Big mistake admitting her to that 5-star retirement residence.  They breed centenarians. Hundred-year-olds who eat like horses and laugh with their mouths full.  It’s disturbing. No 99-year-old should have a role model.

But, more to the point, how can I shoot her?  I’ve never owned a gun; never touched a gun.  I don’t even know if I need a licence.  Do they even have licences for killing old people?

Well, you can see the comic potential in something as impossible as killing your own sweet mother. 

Longevity in general is a subject wide open for pot shots. 

Did you know there’s a scientist out there working on the longevity pill.  When people wake up to the downside of living to a hundred, they’re going to hunt that guy down and make sure he doesn’t live another day.

Medical science already ensures we live so long that we’re sure to suffer chronic diseases that would have (mercifully) killed our ancestors.  Arthritis, angina, constipation… no fun!  Take my mother—no more smoking, no more whisky, and no more casino—she can’t afford it anymore.

Sure, you can live to 100…but only if you give up all the things that make you want to live to 100.

Shoot me, son, shoot me.

Anyway, I see they’ve discovered that people who sleep with a mate live longer.  I wonder who my mother is sleeping with.

Maybe I should just shoot him.

 

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Comments

  1. says

    LOL… oh my God that was especially funny at the end. Hey, you should do well in your contest. Let us know how it goes.

    My mother is 83 and if she lives as long as your mother, i’m going to shoot myself!

    (if she doesn’t shoot me first)

  2. says

    Hysterical, PJ. Loved the extended warranty on the fan and shooting the guy your mother must be sleeping with. Have a great day and thanks for sharing such a fun post!

  3. says

    Love the macabre touch PJ. It sparkes this memory:

    On a particularly bad night for me and my Mum, I arrived (alone) at the ER of the local hospital and confronted the newly recruited Doc fresh from Britain with the demand: medicate me or my mother or I shall take a hatchet to her. The happy ending: the doc gave me a sleeping pill and eventually became my Mother’s dear physician, settling her frenetic brain and giving her 15 years of as pleasant a life as one could ever have hoped.

  4. says

    Hey PJ, Harry (or is it Henry) is doing a fine job at that typewriter. I agree with him, generally everything I read that is supposed to be funny is most definitely not. But, you’ve got a good start on that speech already, because even this short piece was worth a chuckle.
    I have a confession. I deleted that particular Write to Done post the instant I saw the subject. As previously stated, I don’t usually find the subject amusing in the least. Now, that I know you were the author, however, I will check it out. :-)

  5. says

    Yvette… that would be “Henry”, in honour of Henry Miller, “the happiest man alive” according to himself uttered in a moment when he found himself with “no money, no resources, no hopes.” Probably living im Paris at the time, with a glass of wine in hand and babe around his neck… no need to feel too sorry for him.

  6. Laura says

    That was really funny! It reminds me of all the things I think life will be like when I get older. I have people in my life who are definitely getting up there in age and still live by themselves. Well, it’s more like they are stubbornly holding onto their house, so I can imagine how hard it’d be to even get someone at that age to even consider to move into a retirement home. But you can’t fight your old age (even though, my dad keeps trying by wearing excessive amounts of “Ed Hardy” and other various tacky clothes).

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